


Like the ocean

by ladylapislazuli



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Character Study, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:20:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24091231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladylapislazuli/pseuds/ladylapislazuli
Summary: For the longest time, Dimitri is not capable of falling in love.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Dedue Molinaro
Comments: 21
Kudos: 125





	Like the ocean

For the longest time, Dimitri is not capable of falling in love.

It starts long before the war, before even the worst of his madness. When he is still at the academy, still so young, and his hormones are supposed to be running rampant. When he, like the rest of his classmates, should be sighing and blushing and staring lovestruck and useless at the object of his affections.

But Dimitri does not. Dimitri _is_ not. There is no one for him to stare at.

He is not devoid of desire, not entirely. He sees beauty, feels… something. He thinks so, anyway. Does not feel it as keenly as his classmates, perhaps, for he is not distracted by the fluttering of his heart or the appearances of those around him, but there is _something_. It is just drowned out by other matters, by the incessant noise in his own head.

It is all Dimitri can do to sleep, to smile, to keep his grades exceptional and his fighting form strong. Romance is not important, when weighed against his duties. (When weighed against the whispers he can barely keep contained.)

Dimitri has no idea just how bad things can get. But life, in all its cruelty, gets even worse. Far, far worse.

During exile, there is nothing. His body is an annoyance. A prison for his fury and anger, mortal needs only holding him back. Sleep is a distraction, food a grudging necessity, mercy… he is not capable of mercy. He burns out his heart in the name of vengeance, and there is nothing soft left in him.

So he is. So he thinks that he will always be.

The war ends. Dimitri comes back to himself, but his heart is still closed off. Bitter, grieving, aching for all he has lost, for the terrible things he has _done_. From man, to monster, to man again, insomuch as such a transformation is possible. Every day he lives, he will carry the burden of his own brutality and rage. The lives he took, the blood he spilled, the _hatred_ of which he is capable.

Dimitri knows who he truly is now, and there is nothing on the Goddess-given earth that will wash away the weight of his sins.

He lives on solely as an act of penance. Lives not for himself, but for his people, for they need him to lead them well. Lives because there is no other alternative.

Dimitri is king, and the thought of romance never crosses his mind with anything other than a fleeting pang of anxiety. He gives speeches, and hears petitions, and makes policies. He works until his eyes burn and his head is heavy with exhaustion. He hosts balls and parties, for such is expected of him, and he dances for much the same reason.

He holds people close, when he dances. Hand in hand, and sometimes they will press up against his chest. Close, intimate. His heart never stirs.

Sometimes someone will smile at him. Will place a lingering hand on his arm, his shoulder, his knee. Will bat their lashes, or flex their muscles, or lean in far too close. They will try to woo or charm him – poetry, gallantry, acts of daring or devotion - and do all the foolish things that those wishing for love will do. But no matter how beautiful or handsome, no matter how false or sincere, Dimitri feels nothing.

He is not normal, he thinks. Lies awake at night, that thought circling in his head. All around him other people are falling in love, pursuing it with a need Dimitri does not understand. He does not even know what it feels like, that heady flush of infatuation. Cannot imagine feeling it, let alone wanting to feel it.

Dimitri is not normal. Because when it comes to the heart of it… he does not want to fall in love. It is abstract, foreign, terrifying. It is _falling_ , and Dimitri has fallen enough to last him a lifetime.

His heart is a private thing. Locked up, and not even Dimitri has the key.

That is how things are. How they always will be, or so he thinks.

He is courted, he feels nothing. He is entreated, he feels nothing. He is begged, _begged_ , for his hand and heart, and the only thing he can muster in response is pity. He is not capable of love. Not of falling, not again.

But one day, for no reason at all, Dimitri looks over at Dedue. They are strolling through the gardens together in companionable silence, out on one of their afternoon walks. Habit, routine. As warm and familiar as the sun on Dimitri’s skin.

Dedue is always there. At Dimitri’s side, loyal to a fault. Gentle, too, bending down to pick up a snail that has made its way onto the path, setting it safely on the other side. Smiling the faintest of smiles, the one that softens the lines around his eyes.

Dedue’s smiles are small, precious things. Subtle. Dimitri knows them all.

Dedue straightens up. Resumes walking as though nothing out of the ordinary has occurred. Warrior, vassal, shield - and yet the shepherd of those things smaller than himself. A steady, kind-hearted man, who thinks nothing of his own virtues.

He has been by Dimitri’s side all this time. Would follow him anywhere, through anything, patient and brave and devoted. He watches Dimitri with those green-grey eyes, a sea, an ocean, and Dimitri cannot fathom his depths.

He has not tried to. Has not been capable of it. (Afraid, perhaps, of looking too deep.)

Dedue does not speak. He raises his face to enjoy the breeze, eyes slipping shut. Opening again when he feels Dimitri’s gaze on him, smiling the smile he reserves only for Dimitri.

It is an ordinary day. But Dimitri sees that smile, and understands something. Sees it, and something comes to life in Dimitri’s frozen chest.

Dimitri does not fall in love. He simply looks around one day to find love already waiting for him.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm @ladylapisxx on Twitter, come say hI! :)


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